Things that I've learned from being a Parent.

Having kids has probably been the most educational pursuit of my life. Having kids AND doing daycare puts me in an 'educated' league WAY out there. I mean, I learn new, osbcure, weird, gross and scary stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

1) 18.9 Litres of water is *A LOT* of water. That jug might make it look as though it isn't so bad, I mean it fits so neatly and unassuming atop the water cooler, but trust me . . . I speak from experience . . . it is a CRAP-TON of water. We're talking flooding the kitchen, the dining room, the entry way and down the stairs into the basement.

2) Milk solidifies into a complete gelatinous glob if left in a sippy cup long enough.

3) Poopy diapers, although wrapped up tightly in a plastic grocery bag, that have been left in a diaper bag in the car for weeks on end can create a stench SO profound that it can send an entire room of iron-gutted Mommy's gagging and retching. AND . . . that smell is NOT removable from clothing or the bag.

4) Regardless of whatever you've fed your kids over the past several days, when they vomit, it's almost ALWAYS hotdogs. Even if you haven't fed your kids hotdogs. It's like food transforms into hotdogs in kid guts.

5) Little People do NOT flush well down the toilet.

6) A whole single roll of toilet paper can disappear down my toilet in 5 flushes. A double roll in 9. Do the math on that one Charmin!!!

7) Boogers ARE a bonified source of protein. And apparently a tasty one.

8) Gum and bedtime do NOT mix.

9) When your kids are picky eaters, Ketchup is considered a vegetable.

10) Every poop is 'exciting' and as parents, we have to run in and look at it.

11) When the call display shows the school name, you KNOW it's not good news.

12) Telling your child they need a haircut, then NOT hiding all the scissors is NOT a smart move. And the kids don't always learn from doing it just ONCE. Sometimes they live that painful reality several times over.

13) Artwork on the walls, furniture and floors is almost done with a Sharpie. Even if you don't own any, the kids WILL find them and put them to good use.

14) A 9lb baby can crap 50X it's body weight in one single day.

15) 30 second rule? Try the 3 month rule . . . kids will eat ANYTHING they find, regardless of where it was found (in the couch, in a coat pocket from last winter, the bottom of a boot - true story - I'm trying to suppress the urge vomit as I think of that incident) and no matter how old it is.

16) Fish crackers are part of a daily balanced diet.

17) Coloured icing from wal-mart cakes wrecks havoc on the intestinal tract. If it makes a kid poop in liquidy techinicolour (seriously it looks like a vibrant rainbow coloured oil slick in the pot), imagine the damage on the INSIDES. YIKES!!!

18) Projectile vomit can go as far as 10 feet across the room.

19) The above mentioned projectile vomit can go 10 feet without so much as dripping one single drop on the floor, but it will land all over the electronics on the other side.

20) Kids will find stuff that you didn't even know you had.

21) Kids will find stuff that you DON'T want OTHERS to know you have. At the most inopportune times.

22) Although you've never used beads for ANYTHING, you will always find some in your kids diaper.

23) Pulling one's finger helps them to poop (much like the pull my finger and I'll fart thing).

24) Penetan cream is FANTASTIC for diaper rashes. It's not so great as a hair styling product.

25) Poop makes a delightful finger painting substitute. Well, delightful for the kid. Not so much for the adult.

25) There is no privacy when kids are around. Our bodily functions become public knowledge.

26) The so-called 'healthy choice' apple slices at McDonalds don't rot. Ever. You can leave them on the counter while you go away for vacation for 3 weeks, and when you return - they will look EXACTLY as they did when you opened them. No brown, no shrivelling and no fruit flies. Yeah. Scary.

27) Boxes are almost ALWAYS more fun than the toys in them.

28) Crayons are a snack alternative.

29) Fat and rolls are fantastically accepted on a baby. In fact, the more fat and rolls a baby has, the more oogling and attention they gather. Funny . . . I'm yet to meet anyone to smile lovingly at me as they grab a roll on my gut or my leg, or the flappy turkey hangy-thing on my arms and say "awwwww. . . look at that chunky monkey. I just want to cuddle you up"

30) Regardless of the fact that it WAS the baby that farted, no one believes you.

31) The only plate to break in the cabinet is the special one that Great Grandma gave the kid.

32) YES! Those footsteps across the only carpeted part of your house is dog poo.

33) Boys can stand directly in front of the toilet and push out an entire nights worth of pee, and not actually get one single drop of pee IN the toilet.

34) Bribery IS the answer.

35) No matter how careful you are, the kids WILL spout off the nasty word you mumbled under your breath 2 days ago at the WORST possible time (like in the church nursery).

36) Keep the rectal thermometer FAR away from where wandering hands can find it. You know how kids are - EVERYTHING goes in the mouth. Yeah - gag.

37) Kids NEVER get sick during regular doctor's office hours. They wait until the middle of the night, or on the weekend.

38) When you're in the biggest hurry, that is the time that your kids choose to be the pokiest.

39) There's always some 'well meaning' person at the store who offers your kid a treat, even though you've said no.

40) Someone ALWAYS has to pee about 5 mins into the trip.

41) That mess in aisle 10? Everyone knows who did it. Even if you think you ran off fast enough.

42) Dropped a bottle, a soother or a cup on the floor? No problem, just wipe it on your pant leg or sleeve . . . trust me, they've had WAY worse.

43) Do NOT close your eyes and open your mouth when a kid offers you a gummy worm. They may NOT know the difference between gummy and earthworms quite yet.

44) Do NOT stand behind your son as he learns to cast his fishing rod. Unless of course you're looking to pierce your eyebrow.

45) When anything is missing . . . check the laundry machines first. Actually second. Check the diapers first.

46) When struggling with getting a child proof cap off a bottle of tylenol, just hand it to your toddler. They can do it.

47) Juice boxes are loaded weapons.

48) Unless it's nap or bedtime, quiet is almost NEVER a good thing. In fact it almost always means BAD NEWS and disaster!!

49) When you bury the dead family pet in the backyard, make darn sure that you bury it DEEP . . . nothing more traumatizing than your kids finding Hammy's paw sticking up through the ground.

50) When your kid spontaneously comes to hug your legs, it's almost always because they have a boogedy nose that needs wiping.

Over the years, I've lived some 'interesting' scenario's. Some funny. Some not so much. And some that have left me traumatized. Despite the fact that I've lived all these experiences, there will be another 50 in the years to come. Someday, when they're older, my kids can look back at this list and commiserate, or at least explain to my therapist why I'm pefectly happy to live a medically sedated life in a small padded room all on my own.