Life as the parent of a teenager

Parenting is not for the weak or faint of heart. Sometimes it's a rewarding thing. Other times not so much.

Pareting a teen is a whole 'nother thing. Parenting a teenaged GIRL a mind-boggling, life-sucking, hair-graying experience. There is a reason why children start out as screaming, sleepless, volatile little pooping and puking machines. What is that reason? Why, to take it easy on us . . . to butter us up for what the teen years will dish out.

It's not as though they turn 13 and WHAM a switch is flipped and teenaged angst commences. It definitely is a progressive thing. At about grade 1, the attitude starts, and just kind of goes downhill from there. By the time they're 12, the parents are kind of stupid and know nothing, and by 14, it is teenaged FACT; parents are the STUPIDEST thing to walk the face of the earth and are nothing but a hinderance in the lives of teenagers. Any chores that we ask of our teens becomes a tooth pulling event, and often we're accused of breaking child labour laws. Our life experiences are considered archaic (because you know - we wandered the earth during the dinosaur ages) and "things are different now".

With our teen, the theatrics and dramatics involved with her are intense. I mean REALLY intense. Seriously . . . this girl can ACT!!! If she were to move to Hollywood she'd make millions. I suppose I was dramatic back in the day as well, but I can honestly say that I can't relate to much of what my teen does and says. She seems to take things to an all new level. We enter each day with caution . . . figuring out what kind of mood teen is in, my other half and myself are in, and arranging ourselves accordingly. Sometimes it's all about balance between hers and my horomones (oh yeah - scary!!!).

In our house, dealing with a teenaged girl has been pared down to 2 basic mathematical equations:

1) Everything going according to teens plans + parents complying = Rainbows and sunshine.

2) Parents asking teen to do anything OR making a suggestion about something + teen not wanting to or agreeing = Hell right here under my own roof.

Unfortunately, the latter is what seems to happen the most around here. At 14 years old, it has been made clear that I am in fact the stupidest individual to walk this earth. I know nothing; my life experiences mean nothing; I'm mean and nasty and in general, I'm just an embarrasment. Obviously I'm doing my job as Mom well, right? According to Teen, if I would just say "YES" to every little whim and idea she had, life WOULD be all sunshine and butterflies. In fact, her biggest whine is that we don't say "yes" enough.

Which is SO untrue. She just conveniently forgets all the occasions we said yes. But that is a typical teenaged thought pattern.

I will give credit where credit is due, and sometimes Teen is a dream. She can be so helpful, caring, kind, co-operative and pleasant at times. I choose to overlook the fact that it's usually a prelude to her asking for something major. You know, buttering us up. Other times, if you so much as look at her the wrong way, or speak to her at the wrong time - LOOK OUT!!! Sometimes I wonder if we should all be armed with a sedative laden blowdart - just in case she attacks.

The crying and bellyaching is BRUTAL at times. Instead of just doing something she's asked to, Teen will bellyache and fight it - until she winds up grounded or having luxury items taken away (and in the end, she STILL has to do her job). She is fully convinced that she is Cinderella and that she does EVERYTHING around here (even though Mom does the laundry, the mopping, the dusting, 99% of the dishes, making the beds and the general tidying; and that Dad does the lawns, raking, and snow removal). This past weekend was a bit tough for us and Teen. She got her way an awful lot last week (in hindsight, obviously too much), and by the time the weekend arrived, she was in fine form. I cracked the whip about her messiness and she lost it. I mean all out LOST it. She accused me of enjoying getting upset with her; that she could 'see it in my face'. You know, because I love going head to head with a hormonally challenged girl; and arguing about the same damn things several times a week. I enjoy that almost as much as tripping over all the shit that she leaves laying around, like a glass 1/2 full of juice or milk.

Then there's the body language and tone. Although her mouth might say nothing, her body language and eyes speak volumes. She often stands with one hip slightly lifted, her body rigid, her eyes rolling (almost constantly) and almost appears to look down her nose at us (and yes, it's fact . . . she IS taller than both her Mom and Dad). It's a damn good thing that looks can't kill - because I'd have been 6 feet under years ago. With respect to tone, I've broken it down to 2 distinct tones. Know-it-all and Screw You. She generally starts with the know-it-all tone, and when that isn't getting her anywhere, she ends up switching to the screw you tone . . . you know, the infamous expression of "Whatever" (that expression makes my toes curl).

Clothes, make up, music and friends become a priority for teenaged girls. Texting, instant messaging and phone calls become marathons . . . unlimited texting plans ARE a necessity (believe me . . . this comes from a Mom that had a bill with almost 8000 texts from the teens phone. For real!). Suddenly proper spelling becomes a thing of the past - almost every word has extra letters in it (yeah becomes yeeeaaaahh). Angela becomes Aaannngeeella). Daily showers are a necessity (which is fine), but the amount of time spent IN the shower; the amount of shampoo, conditioner and soap used; and the amount of time spent on doing their hair, clothing and make up is NUTS. My Teen has poker straight hair. I mean REALLY straight. Yet, she still painfully straigtens her hair every single morning. Her big 'want' for Christmas was a souped up straightner. To straighten her already straight hair. I don't get it. Then of course, even though it's -30 outside, she would never, ever wear a hat to school, because heaven forbid, she might just 'mess' up her hair. To suggest otherwise would be voluntarily requesting the start of world war III.

I know I'm complaining about Teen, and really that isn't my intention. I love her with all my heart and do enjoy her (for the most part). Admittedly, she can frustrate me to no end, but at the same time, I'm very proud of her. While things aren't all that different from when I was teen (because contrary to her beliefs, I'm not THAT much older than her), there are definitely some different things that I *DON'T* understand. I wouldn't tahnk you to be a teen in today's day and age. Kids, girls in particular, are cut-throat, and there are a lot of pressures on kids to fit in, and a lot of outside forces to reckon with. While I don't enjoy the fury that Teen can unleash at times, I realize that she needs an outlet.

And that Mom needs some wine.