Potty-talk

When our children are younger, and we are elbow deep in diaper changes, we dream of the moment that they are potty-learned. The expense of diapering alone is enough to make a parent dream of that almost from the get-go. After about 2 years of diapers, expense, trash (or laundry - for those using cloth), rashes, wipes, and creams, that dream is SO close, we can almost taste it (or maybe that was just the stagnant lingering odour from the last poopy blowout that we just cleaned. You know - the one that makes you declare "That's IT - we are going to start using the potty tomorrow". At that point, we painstakingly work with the kids to get them to use the potty. For some that process is easy. For others it's not.

For our family, it was a divided thing. My girls learned easy-peasy. In fact I sent the oldest to daycare in a diaper one morning and that night she came home in undies. She never looked back. Banshee followed a similar pattern, although she definitely had a few accidents here and there, but in general, she got it quickly. Imp? Not so easy. He resisted. HUGE. At one point I admit, I seriously (and I mean DEAD seriously) thought he'd wind up getting married while he was still wearing a diaper. It was suggested that I allow him to run around with nothing on the lower end. Easy enough. I even put a potty chair into the family room so it was easily accessible (in addition to the potty seats/chairs in each bathroom). Heck, I was willing to allow him to drop a load while watching TV and eating a snack. What more could a kid want? I was desperate. I was armed with a jar full of stickers and treats and figured we'd have this potty learning thing in the bag by nightfall. Yeah. Not quite. This kid would look at me square in the eye and laugh as he peed a great stream straight across the room; or would meticulously get EVERY SINGLE DROP of pee into a small play cup of his sisters and with great delight would declare "Look Mommy". This same kid would also just squat wherever he may be and drop a nugget or two; or in one case, a great big gigantic PILE of steamy poop, then he'd stand up straight, walk away and carry on with business as usual - as if dropping a load on the floor was normal everyday business (oh wait - it *WAS* normal everyday business for him!). If he happened to have clothes on, apparently it didn't bother him to sport a pound or 2 of poop in his undies, or to have wet pants. It just didn't seem to phase him. I'd hazard a guess that he almost LIKED it (just an assumption based on the frequency that it happened). Just when I reached the point of giving in and accepting that my child would wear diapers for the rest of his life, HE decided he was ready. And just like that, he did it. Overnight. Literally.

Once we achieved that "HALLELUIAH" moment, it was like a weight was lifted. Life was going to be downhill from there, right?

Wrong. What one neglects to think about is the logistics of having a potty learned child. The timing of trips is imperative, and it's crucial to know the location of every washroom or rest stop on our way there and back, and while we're there. Once that kid has 'learned' to use the potty, there's no going back to diapers or pull ups. Have you ever had to pull apart a carseat to wash it?! Yeah, not fun. So at all costs, we want to prevent an accident in the car. You also don't want to be cleaning up a poopy pair of pants (which means a poopy bum, poopy legs and often a back) in a public washroom, and for some, that means realizing, much to our horror, that we forgot to restock the bag with new pants after the last fiasco (and sometimes, sadly, that last pair of crappy pants is STILL in there - wrapped in a plastic bag because we forgot to take it out - a stark reminder of the current and last epic potty fail). And that my friends, is only if you REMEMBERED to bring the damn bag in the first place. Unfortunately, most of us must live that once or twice (or in my case 5 or 6 times) before we realize the importance of timing things. And the importance of bringing the bag. Bringing a fully stocked bag - because an empty bag is just as bad - or even worse - than no bag at all. We learn that we mustn't feed or give anything to drink before a trip lasting more than a few mins. Sippy cups and juice boxes are a car-rides WORST enemy. There is NOTHING worse than travelling at a cool 115 klicks on the hwy, and sailing past the sign that says "Next Rest Stop: 67kms", and hearing a little voice proudly announce "I have to go PEEEEEEEEE!!". We frantically look around, but realize there is NOTHING we can do. Suddenly we eye up the Timmy's cup and wonder if we can get the kid to pee in that. Quickly we realize it's not realistic to attempt to have a young child pee in the cup. I mean, how hard would THAT be? Chances are, you'd be alone, meaning that you can't drive and co-ordinate cup peeing at the same time. And of course the said kid would have to LOOK at what was happening (because let's face it, peeing-in-the-cup would be a fantastically fun game to play in a moving vehicle). Then what would we DO with the cup after it was full? You'd HAVE to put it in the cupholder, and imagine what our distracted wandering hands just might do with that cup? Oh yeah - VOMITROCIOUS!!!! Stopping on the side of the 401 is NOT a safe option, so we often try to distract until we can find a place to stop. Sometimes that's successful. Other times it's not.

As our kids have gotten older, us adults have potty-trained ourselves with outtings. Before we go out ANYWHERE (even just to the store, etc), we always remind the kids "go to the washroom" please. We try not to give them much to drink. For the older 2, that works great. Banshee? Not so much. No matter where we go, she HAS to use the washroom. And it's urgent every single time. I can honestly say that I've probably seen the inside of EVERY washroom along the route between here and the Gaspe Peninsula (QC). Suffice it to say . . . that's a heck of a long way. And A LOT of bathrooms.

Sometimes the washrooms we stop at are really gross. And I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y gross. Like so gross I can see the germs dancing on the toilet seat, and you know those pictures we drew as kids - the piles of poop with steamy streams and flies all around it?! Yep, we've seen bathrooms JUST like that. Those are the times where I admit, I allow my children to pee in the grass BESIDE the washroom. If we're in a store and there's no chance of getting to another bathroom fast enough, I simply hold my kid ABOVE the toilet and let her pee that way. Then there are the times when the line up in the girls washroom is HUGE (I AM a girl, but I still don't understand what takes girls so long in the bathroom). We're talking 20 people waiting to pee. 20 people and one Banshee. Sometimes, some kind soul at the front of the line (probably a parent) will notice the dancing Banshee and allow us to go first. But many times not. And while most times we make it to our turn (just BARELY) and get our business INTO the toilet, there are times where we've had an accident right then and there in the line up.

Sometimes the timing of needing to use the potty is REALLY poor - like after waiting in the line up at Wonderland for 3/4 of an hour - with our turn NEXT, someone will announce that they need to go NOW. Or in the lineup at the drive thru; or in traffic; or 5 mins after we left the last one (although they INSISTED they didn't need to go, and claimed to have 'tried', incredibly, their bladders spring to life the second the car starts to move). And of course at bedtime. And dinner time. When we're in a rush to get out the door. And ALWAYS when we're dressed in snowsuits to play outside.

It's times like that where I find myself almost wishing for the 'good old days' of diapers. Where they very quietly just did their business when they needed to, and when it was convenient for us, we dealt with it. Sometimes I wish I could just put a diaper on them while we make the hours long haul to our destination - just to eliminate a stop or 10. Heck, there are times where *I* wish I had a diaper.

So, really, what IS the draw for potty learning? It's just simply another distraction and complication in our lives - lol!