End of school woes

It's SUMMER - YAY! Well, sort of I suppose. Today is my last day at home "alone". I've been "home" on "summer vacation" for the past 2 months; although of those 2 months, I think I've actually been home with nothing to do exactly two days - what am I EVER going to do when I get a full-time job?! How will I ever fit it into my busy life?! I've been on class trips, volunteering, taking my kids to see a play in Toronto, going to Wonderland, medical appointments, errands, shopping (you know, the IMPORTANT things), visiting, interviews, the list goes on and on. By 10:45 on Monday, Teen will be finished her final exam, and life as I've known it for the past 2 months will change - just meaning that I have to work their wants/needs around my coming and (mostly) going. A few days later, I'll have the other 3 all home as well. While I'm looking forward to the break from school routine and to what summer plans we have, I'm scared that my children will eat me alive and will suck the life out of me as they look for me to entertain them every single second of the next 2 months and one week - not that I'm counting or anything the in-between time is kind of sucky.

Imp completely comes unravelled doesn't deal well with change, transition or a disruption to his routine. He also DESPERATELY needs structure, and at this time of year - when report cards are already done and everyone is literally just putting in time until the last day of school, there isn't much work, routine or structure. While to most people, that seems like a 'fun' and welcome way to spend the last few school days; for a kid like Imp, it's a recipe for disaster. Yesterday we went to the Zoo on a school trip. It was a SUPER long day, and was hot as hell (in fact, I'm sure Hell isn't even that hot!!). Couple that with heavy traffic on the bus ride home, a late dinner, a later than normal bedtime, and then having to get up and go to a mostly unstructured day at school, well, you can figure out how it's going. Imp is barely coping with it. He's tired of his classmates; he's tired of his teacher; he's tired of the work; he's tired of what he percieves as inequalities (he's all about equality - if he gets in shit for something - he's fine with it, but make damn sure everyone else invovled gets punished too); and he's just tired of the school in general.

Today hasn't been a great day for Imp. This is the first time in awhile that we've heard anything from the school, so while that is great, and I'm not upset at him for getting into trouble (I know that everyone is entitled to have a bad day - particularly a young boy), the reality is, the timing of it tells me that the reasoning for it is mounting stress about the situation within the classroom and the fact that his routine is going to be dumped on it's ass next week. That makes us concerned about the handful of days he has left next week. SO . . . my other half and I are faced with a decision. Do we continue to send him to school and face the potential for disaster, or do we pull the plug NOW and let him end on a GOOD note? I hate to see him miss the excitement of the last few days, but on the other hand, I hate to see him self-destruct as well. I want school to be a 'positive' thing for him - not a mounting ball of stress.

We've had to do A LOT of damage control over school this year. For the first time in his 6 year school career (I'm counting preschool as well), he rebuked at the thought of going to school, and drove me batshit crazy with his rationale and attempts to persuade us why he shouldn't or couldn't go to school each and every day fought us over it. He developed tics that intesified on Sunday evenings, and all but disappeared on weekends and holidays. His big and bright eyes would well up with tears some mornings as he pleaded with me to allow him to stay home, and would complain that his stomach hurt. As a parent . . . that's REALLY hard to swallow, however, based on what I know about his first years of school, I'm not surprised this finally happened. Certain aspects of his education pursuit haven't been ideal or optimum, and as we've found out in recent times, certain things have NOT been dealt with in proper ways, and that he was allowed to self-destruct over and over without any attempt to find out any underlying issues or all sides of the story. However, it is what it is, and all this year we've had to do damage control to repair some of his broken trust and views of the school. We've really had to push for things to improve/change (which they have in the past few months). Thankfully we feel that we have things mostly under control (thanks to some GREAT people!), although I suspect there will be some fallout at the beginning of next year as he adjusts to being in a class with ALL of the grade 4's (there have been split classes that strategically kept the kids that clash separated for the past 3 years), and I know this will be a shit-show as some of these kids + mine = disaster!! I don't care what anyone says, some kids ARE assholes to other kids and taunt them deliberately - except they are REALLY sneaky about it and don't get caught a trying time for Imp as he finds his footing and learns to avoid those that bother him (because as long as we remain at this school, he's STUCK with the same damn kids until he graduates - so he NEEDS to learn some coping tools.

Anyway . . . through my rambling, we've got some decisions to make about next week. Sometimes I don't like being the adult. Every now and again, I long for the days where my biggest decision was whether to choose the vanilla or the chocolate cookies from the box of girl guide cookies (which indentally, the correct decision is 2 of each). And we wonder how my arse got this big . . . hmmm.

Telemarketers and Door-to-door folks

I think I'm the luckiest person on the face of the earth! I just got off the phone, and for the millionth time in the past 8 years, I've won an all-inclusive cruise!! It's like I have a lucky horseshoe up my ass!! I mean, come on, how crazy is it that I've received this call - sometimes several times a week - who needs lottery tickets with luck like this?! And all I have to do is press 1, give them my credit card number and all the rest of my personal information so they can steal my identity and screw me over royally.

Seriously - what kind of loser do they take me for?! Do these people not have anything better to do with their time? Moreover, are there really people that DO fall for this bullshit?! This type of asshattery really pisses me off. It's people like this that mess it up for those who truly are working the phone lines and door to door thing for legitmate reasons.

Telemarketers/Door-to-door salespeople.

I've got a love-hate relationship with them. I hate that they call (at the most inoportune times!) and interrupt me, but I love 'playing' with them. In the not-so-distant past, I'd get upset and frustrated with them constantly bothering me. As someone who has been "home" for the better part of the past 8 years, I can assure you, there are A LOT of calls (phone and door) that come through on a weekly basis. I get that it's mostly people working a dead-end job trying to earn an honest living - although the calls we tend to get are sketchy at best. And the reality is, there ARE honest jobs out there that probably bring in the same piddly amount of money, but with less abuse - you know, the ones that ask "Would you like fries with that burger?".

The day that they offered the Do Not Call (DNC) list, I signed right on up, and admittedly, a great deal of the calls tapered off. BUT, there are still the scammers, the charities, the political folk, the religious zealots and the newspaper people - and anyone else exempt from "THE" list. I have call display, so admittedly, I'm a screener. I figure that if they want me bad enough, they'll leave a message. Typically, they don't, and sometimes, it ends at one call, but if they call back several times over a few days, then to me, it's game on.

And good lord, do I play. Believe me when I say that I don't like to lose, so I'm playing to win. Of course, it's all dependant on how much time I've got, and my mood. My favourite approach is to listen to their entire script of bullshit (listen to it someday - it's REALLY long and full of, well, bullshit), and then when they get to the end, I'll say "Pardon? Can you repeat that please?". They usually ask what the last thing was that I heard, to which I reply that it was "hello". Sometimes they hang up. Sometimes they start their speil all over again (and sadly, I can go through this 3 or 4 times before they realize that I'm playing with them. Other times, I'll pick it up and say "I'm very interested in what you're promoting here, but can you hold on for a second please?". Then I put the phone down and walk away, going about my business. Or I let the kids answer it. Or when they say hello, I go on pretending that *I* am trying to sell them something. For those bible thumpers at the door... well, honestly, I just avoid them. They just flat out offend me. I've recently put a sign on my door that pretty much covers anything anyone could possibly be knocking about. The reality is, I will NOT open my door to strangers; I will NOT ever buy or support anything from a door to door salesman (in today's society, there is simply no knowing who is legitimate or not).

Just the other day, I noticed a somewhat 'local' number calling several times a day. I finally picked it up and it was some guy talking about duct cleaning. I politely didn't interrupt him as he dove headfirst into his script about the importance of duct cleaning, etc., and that they were offering a great deal. At the end, he asked me if I was interested. I said in what I hoped was the most convincing "dumb girl" tone I could muster up "But sir, I raise geese, not ducks. Will you clean my geese instead?". He went on again about ducts - to which I reminded him that I had geese - not ducks, and that I really felt that my 'fowl' were actually quite capable of cleaning themselves. He was clearly getting confused, but he persevered and explained that he meant ducts - the pipes connected to the furnace and air conditioner. To which I stated (in a firm and concerned voice) that "It must surely be considered animal cruelty to put ducks in your furnace pipes". Then I repeated his name, his company name and recited his phone number - and suggested that I was going to report him for animal cruelty. Exasperated, and almost sounding scared, this guy stumbled over himself as he desperately explained that he does not deal with live animals - that he simply is trying to recruit business for furnace pipe cleaning. To which I said "Furnace pipes? Like heating pipes throughout the house?". He clearly was pleased that the dingbat on the other end of the line was finally understanding. Then I delivered the zinger . . . "Oh, I have baseboard heating. So, does this mean that you're not going to come and clean my geese?!". He was pretty pissed at the end of it - in fact he may have dropped the f-bomb at me. I, on the other hand, was feeling pretty smug about it; I totally wasted about 45mins of this guys time.

What I don't get, is why - in light of the vast amount of scammers and criminals - that legitimate companies feel that telemarketing and door to door sales are a good idea. I can assure you that if someone comes to my door or cold-calls me - I won't even give them the time of day. If I need something done or want to buy something, I make that decision all on my own and I go ahead and research companies. As luck would have it, in today's world of easy access to the internet - hell, we can take a step into the archaic dinosaur days and (gasp!) pull out the phonebook and look up business phone numbers if we need them - you know - like for new water heaters, or roofers, or driveway pavers, or window installers, or landscapers - or churches - because for real, do you really think that someone coming to the door and interrupting me from my daily activities and throwing their beliefs at me is going to give me a profound "a-ha" moment and make me decide to give up my religious (or not) convictions and convert?! Really?! They think that's going to happen? Because I can tell you that mostly (or all-y), it pisses me off. They're trespassing on my property and are invading MY space to force their beliefs on me. Yeah, I don't think so. Honestly, I view these door-to-door religious folks as human sacrifices. Their church demands that they do this - that they subject themselves to abuse (and religion is ONE topic that people don't want to discuss. Period). Why?! Why do they set their people up for this? My theory? Because they're that warped - and are sacrificing humans.

Anyway...going back to the fact that I've won yet another trip (yawn! - another week, another trip won - it's definitely getting old), I didn't press 1. I let that opporunity slide through my fingers.

And tonight - I plot my next 'plan' for when the next unsuspecting telemarketer calls.

I just wish they'd all piss off. I think I'm quite capable of making decisions on my own regarding my household, how to spend my money, and that I'm quite set and happy in my religious and political beliefs.

Is it Monday yet?!

Is it Monday yet? That was a question that I asked over and over yesterday. Yesterday was not a stellar day for parenting in my little world. Not one little bit. If I wasn't a responsible adult and parent, I'd likely have packed my crap and moved right on out. It's a good thing that I love these little critters, because holy shit - they were hellions. To be honest, the padded room, the medication and the free accomodations are kinda-sorta VERY attractive to me right now. Like REALLY attractive. That and alcoholism. At this point, I think I'd welcome either with arms wide open. Hell, who am I kidding, I'd embrace BOTH - at the same time!

I should have known there was trouble when I woke to the youngest bellyaching about the TV in the living room not working. We suggested that she go and use the one in the family room, but she whined and insisted that she NEEDED the TV in the living room (which was strange - because she almost always parks herself among the blankets on the couch in the basement and enjoys the bigger screen TV). That 'disaster' was quickly fixed and she was happily watching TV, but within minutes it became crystal clear why she wanted the living room TV . . . she knew that her brother had a game on the Wii that he wanted to finish this morning, and of course it is THAT TV that the Wii is attached to. Yes folks . . . she IS the pain in the arse little sister that we all hear about. In fact, if you were to look up Pain in the Arse little sister in the dictionary, it'd show Banshee's name and picture (At the same time, if you looked up aggravation, it would show Imp's picture and hame, and if you looked up hormonal, well, it would have Teens picture and name). That of course got Imp up in arms, which caused a HUGE argument between them, which ended with Banshee running out of the room yelling "I'm telling" - while I simultaneously hollered out "You don't need to tell - I can hear it!". That of course woke the sleeping, hormonal teen - who slammed her door closed and attempted to head back to bed, but the fighting between the younger ones was constant, and as Mom, I was trying to go about my business of gathering laundry and tidying things up, so was in and out the door, so she finally just got her miserable self up - which means she walked down into the kitchen to retrieve her electronics (I'm a mean parent because I make her put all her electronics on the counter overnight - which causes daily arguments) and parked herself in her bed while she did whatever teens do on the computer. She was already in a bad mood because after losing her cell phone on a ride at Wonderland (for real - she put a phone in her shallow little pocket while she rode the Behemoth - what did she expect to happen?!) I refuse to pay to upgrade her phone 'early' or to rent a loaner phone - so she's about to do without a phone for a month. Apparently that's a big deal for a teenaged girl. Funny . . . her losing her phone was a big deal for a mother. Unfortunately for her, I'm the boss - and I say no, and because of that, she's kinda-sorta pissed about it.

I figured that yesterday I more than made up for the fact that I refuse to pay the extra for her phone when I sat like a crazed fan and got tickets for the Justin Bieber concert in December. I poured my heart and soul into getting these tickets (I knew how bad she wanted them), and in the end had MAJOR success: Floor seats. I can assure you, they weren't cheap, but I was super excited about it, and likewise, so was she. BUT . . . in true self-centred, teenaged girl style, it's never enough. She came home from a friends house asking if I'd give her money for a manicure and pedicure - she's going on a 'girls' day with her friend for her birthday in the upcoming days (which is great - I think it's a nice idea - but the timing of her request wasn't very good. That's a "thing" with Teen - her timing. She definitely needs to work on that one). I told her that we'd talk about it later. She didn't like that. It made her grumpy. Obviously she didn't sleep off the grumpy because she was super foul, rude and nasty to everyone this morning. Apparently we were too loud for her tastes - you know - because she is never loud with her crazy teeny-boppy music (I'd like to point out that her Justin Bieber and One Direction tunes make me want to poke my eyes out - I can't stand it!!!). She was nasty to her sister, which in turn set Banshee off, which in turn set Imp off, which in turn set ME off, which sets my other half off. You get the picture.

And by that time, it was only 8:00am.

The fighting, the chirping, the raised voices, the aggravating, the irritating, the crying, the whining - and the bloody phone ringing (one HUGE disadvantage to Teen not having her phone is the increased land-line use - Good Lord!!) all continue. Everything is a battle. No one agrees to anything without a fight. My other half forces Imp to get dressed and head to the building centre with him - I think my teetering on the edge made him realize that it would be damn good time for him to fix the holes in the garage wall - the ones he said he'd fix about 2 months ago - but didn't. He came home with all the supplies - plus he bought Imp a piece of wood to hammer away at just for fun (which acutally created one of the only pockets of humour in my day: when Imp arrived home, he came barrelling into the house to retrieve his toolbox. He excitedly hollers out to his sister "Come on out, Banshee! You can use some of my tools and play with my wood!". I can't decide what I'm most horror-struck about: His choice of words and my obvious mind-in-the-gutter mentality, or the fact that my young daughter replies, "Can I screw it?"). But within seconds it's clear that Imp isn't willing to really let his sister play with his wood - and that sets her off in a tizzy because Daddy didn't buy her "a wood" either. Yeah. Imagine how THAT argument sounded to the neighbours as she raged about that with words and phrases such as 'wood', 'power tools', "It's not fair that Imp has wood and I don't", and "I like to screw wood too". I quickly made my retreat into the house when Imp asked "Daddy; instead of putting your little wood in the hole, can I put my BIG wood in?". Yeah, I let him deal with that one. Sometimes it's a good thing that Daddy can't hear so well. Either that, or he just deliberately chose to ignore him. In the end they made a teeter-totter out of the wood - which was actually quite crafty - so both can play with it, but you can well imagine the battles that can ensue from that - and it did. ALL. DAY. LONG.

By noon - I'm COMPLETELY exhausted. By 1:00, the headache starts. I try to lie down, but the only thing worse than fighting, arguing, crying, whining and tattling family members, is unsupervised fighting, arguing, crying, whining and tattling family members. As the day painfully dragged on (seriously - this was THE slowest day in history!), I managed to putter around the house, and in the end, the hormonally challenged Teen wound up heading to her friends house (which created a new 'rant' for her siblings - because THEY didn't get to go to a friends house, or moreover, couldn't have friends over here (there was no way in hell I was about to add other peoples kids to my hell yesterday). I was going to head to my refuge, Walmart, all on my own, and knowing where I live and that tourist season is in full-swing now, you KNOW that I'm desperate even to THINK about going to Walmart, let alone actually going. But when I mentioned it, my other half looked desperate as his eyes pleaded with me NOT to leave him alone at the house, so against better judgement, I forced the remaining masses into the van and we headed straight to hell to Walmart. As soon as we walked through the doors, I knew it was a mistake. The kids were spun, I was exhausted and had stuff I needed to get, and my other half just wanted to meander about. Not a good combination. Of course the kids wanted McDonald's for dinner. Of course we couldn't allow it - that would be like rewarding them for all the shenanigans of the day. And of course that pissed them off. Imp also wanted "ice balls" (from those damn little machines at the entrance to the store). What for? I'm not sure, but I'm assuming to go along with his wood? Just a guess.

Finally, we arrived home and dealt with dinner. It was clear that everyone needed to go bed to on time (typically we allow a little later on weekends and such). Banshee always creates stress at bedtime with all her stall tactics, and as usual, she did not let us down. After 45 mins of stalling, we ALMOST had her to bed. My other half was just giving her the nighttime meds, and that would be the end of it. Except it wasn't. I had parked myself in the bathroom (I had some offensive to my gut food for dinner so was there for the long haul as I entirely cleared my colon- yeah I know, too much information), and Banshee comes to the door asking how long I was going to be. I directed her to the other toilet that was vacant. She said she'd wait. Within seconds I hear her start to scramble down the stairs and then I hear a TERRIBLE sound (which made me hold my breath with fear and anticipation), and then she declares, quite matter of factly actually, "I think I just pooped my jammies".

And indeed she did.

She sharted. A huge, colon-blow sized shart. I'll leave out the graphic nature of it, but suffice it to say, it was the icing (dark chocolate at that) on the cake. Imp, being the smart creature he is, went to bed without being told - he did NOT want to be involved with any of that. FINALLY - we got Banshee and the floors and the shower and her jammies all dealt with, and sent her into bed. Except I'd forgotten to put her clean sheets back on her bed. Fixed that and got her into bed and she started to cry, worried that she might need to shart again and that it might be hard to get out of her bed quickly enough. We had a flash of the disaster that could ensue from a shart similar to what we just dealt with - except way up on a loft bed, and quickly sent her into her sisters bed to sleep.

I figured we FINALLY were done for the day, and walked down, exasperated, to sit on the couch to regroup. The second I collapsed on the couch a little voice chirps out about closing the blind. For real?! We were JUST in there. In one last controlled effort, my other half stormed up the stairs in silence, pulled the blind and stormed back down. She started to say something again, but her wise brother called out and interrupted her, telling her that maybe she should just be quiet. I called up and told both of them that I didn't want either of them up before 7:30 this morning.

And they listened.

Right on the nose at 7:30 this morning, Banshee's feet hit the floor. BUT . . . I know today is going to be better already. How do I know? Because she came down here to the family room to watch TV (as normal), and I feel recharged after a reasonably good night sleep. Except, Teen DID sleep over at her friends house for the night, and that ALWAYS makes for a good time the day after. What's better than a hormonally challenged teenaged girl? Why a tired, hormonally challenged teenaged girl, of course!!!

Let the good times keep rollin'.

Edit: I'd like to point out that last night was NOT sponsored by any sort of alcohol. While we both could have easily downed a few bottles of something to numb the day, we didn't. I guess we just weren't in the mood for the cloudy-headed feeling; in some warped way, I guess we wanted to wallow in the crappiness (literally) of the day and face it head on. We're crazy like that.

Welcome to "my-not-so-sane-life".