A "quick" trip to the school

"Mommy. I need my toboggan at school for our tobogganning party" ~~Imp

"Mom? I don't feel well still. Will you PLEASE drive me to school (even though it's only a couple of blocks away and asking you to defrost and clean off the van will take 4x as long as me just walking)?" ~~Teen

"Mommy, you are the MEANEST mommy ever; I don't want to brush my teeth!! I don't want to put my snowpants on. I-M-P stop looking at me. Mommy?! Teen used your hair elastic. Mommy - you are SO mean because you won't allow me to wear my sparkly high heel shoes to school" ~~Banshee (in her high pitched squealy and banshee-like voice)

Being the nice mother that I am, I dragged my sorry sick self and incredibly sore and infected toe (yeah - for real - it's all infected and gross) out the door to drive the kids to school. Imp has a tobogganning party today and needed to take a toboggan in, plus I needed to pick up his skiis from yesterday (notice a trend here? It doesn't seem as though there's much 'learning' going on right now, huh?).

Anyway, as I go out to start the van, I'm greeted with about another 3" of snow on top of it. I start the van (puffing the entire passenger side door full of snow into my face and down my shirt when I closed the door - and no, I DIDN'T have a coat on, and yes, I know it's not a smart thing to do - but it IS time consuming to put my coat on for a quick trip to the car to start it) and proceed to clean the snow off; a ritual that ensues every single time I get into a vehicle at this time of year. I also notice some snow from the plow at the end of the driveway, so I quickly shovel that away as well. I trudge back into the house to get the kids into their gear (and lord knows this is a brutal effort - I've got one that hates to wear snowpants and I hear about it EVERY morning; and another that negotiates with me about everything - which mitts to wear, which snowpants, which boots; and yet another who is too busy texting her friends to get her stuff on in a timely fashion). We FINALLY get into the van, and low and behold, the damn thing is covered in another layer of snow. So, again, I sweep it off; load up the toboggan and back out. Except I get stuck at the end of the driveway. In that 5 minutes between my shovelling and actually backing out, the damn snowplow has been by again, depositing that HUGE drift at the end of the driveway again. I move forward a bit, and shovel. AGAIN. And clean off the front of the van. AGAIN. I back out and continue on my way. Based on years of driving to and from the school (bear in mind that I made a lunch time run for THREE years - picking kids up at 12:00; and then returning 45 mins later with different kids), I knew enough that when the weather is bad, I want to take the main roads. And I did. The drive to the little kids school was uneventful. Slippery, yes, but we got there easy enough. I deposited the kids at their respective places, watched them disappear into the school, and drove off. Getting back home is a bit trickier because it's all up hill. I start up the street and set my pace (hoping against all hope that no one pulls out in front of me, and that those stopped at the stop sign at the top of the street will have already pulled away by the time I get there). A car DID pull out, but he was far enough ahead that I wouldn't have to worry too much, however, as we get close to the library, a dump truck, who CLEARLY has a stop sign, is pulling out in front of us. The car in front of me swerves around the front of the truck and carries on merrily. Me? Not so lucky. That jackass dumptruck driver pulled out right in front of me. I had to stop. On the hill. As only *I* can do, I lay on the horn and call him a few choice names. After spinning my wheels (figuratively AND literally), I was able to inch ahead towards the stop sign. Behind the truck. AND of course the truck was turning left. Not only did he screw me by pulling out in front of me, he was double screwing me because now I had to totally stop again. He tried to go, but even though I could see his rear wheels spinning round and round, that truck wasn't moving. Well, it was, but it was sideways. And only the back end. Right into the snow bank. At this point there are cars stopped in both directions on the street he was turning onto, and of course a line of traffic behind me. No one knew what to do. The only "KNOWN" variable was that the dump truck wasn't going anywhere. The dump truck tries to back up a bit, which means he's even closer to me now. His tires are now spinning all the snow and crap onto the front of my van (he's THAT close). The truck behind me is oblivious to what is going on, so isn't attempting to move at all. Me? I'm almost having a heart attack. If it was the car, I probably would have gotten out and BEGGED him to back right on over it; but it was the van I was driving, and I kinda-sorta like that vehicle. Not to mention that I kinda-sorta NEED that vehicle. It's the only 'reliable' one we have. Finally a small snow removal vehicle comes up alongside me. He asks me to back up. To which I enquire "How?". I say this as I point to the pickup truck right on my ass. I definitely don't have much room to move at all. He said I had about a foot. Fantastic. SO . . . I start backing up and he tells me when to stop. What does HE do? Why he pulls in between me and the dumptruck. He's SO close, that the scoop on his truck is almost touching my windshield (not to mention it's only about 1" above my hood). Teen is staring wide-eyed at this as it unfolds, holding onto the door as if she's about to jump out. FINALLY the people behind us start backing up and moving, and the guy behind me gives a little toot (on his horn - not his bum, although maybe he did - but I can't be sure, I wasn't in the same space as him. And even if he DID and I COULD smell it - I wouldn't have, because I'm certain that by then both Teen and I had crapped ourselves) and I back WAY up. Then, with very little effort, the snow machine pushes that truck - right in front of a car that has attempted to pass all of this - out onto the road. They went left, and even though I *NEEDED* to go left, I went right (I wasn't about to get stuck behind him on the grade going that way either). I took the detour I needed and delivered Teen to her school.

On the way out of the school 'kiss and ride' drive, I slid all the way down into the bus exit. Thankfully there were no buses (or cars in front of me) at the time. Phew! I carried on, but after stopping at the stop sign, had a hell of a time getting any traction. I did, only to come to another stop sign up the way. Only this time I couldn't stop - although I wasn't going fast at all, and had firmly pushed the brakes ALL the way, I slid right on through. Thankfully, again, there were no cars (or pedestrians) at the cross section. I continue up the road and turn onto my street uneventfully, and as I approach our house, I make an extra wide turn so I can get some speed and force as I try to get back INTO the driveway. Not so lucky. I had enough speed, but the snow was pretty thick and it pushed me sideways. Right into the recycling bins, the garbage bags and the green (organic) bin. Can you guess which one spilled?! Yep. The organics. Much to my delight, one of the neighbour dogs was out and about and he happily ran over and ate up all the spilled stuff. Normally I'd be a little concerned about this - because this is old rotting food - but honestly, this is a dog that regularly digs out and mows down on the rank shitty diapers from my garbage outside my house like they're a gourmet treat. I'm pretty certain that rotting food is the LEAST of it's worries (although I DO wonder if this dog shits and pukes all the time. He must!! That CAN'T be healthy to eat that stuff).

In the meantime, while I've been out 'winter' driving, the neighbours 'hired' help has come to snowblow their driveway. This is the same neighbour (who really is a nice guy - he truly is - he just does shit that aggravates me out of my ever loving mind) who blows his snow AGAINST the side of my house and against my windows and into my sidewalk (and uses his leaf blower numerous times a day when it isn't snowing out - you know - to blow half of his leaves to the neighbour on the other side of him, and the other half to MY yard - 3 and 4 times a day). I get out of the van and hobble towards the house (remember . . . my toe is sore miserable mess). As I walk up the sidewalk I hear the snowblowing dude as the spray from his blower hits my kitchen window. I walk towards the end of the sidewalk to get his attention to ask him NOT to do it (and I swear - I *HAD* {operative word} every intention of being polite - because you know - one should have to be reminded time and time again not to blow shit at peoples house and windows). Just as I catch sight of him, BAM - he nails me; right on the face with the entire load that he's blowing (WOW . . . in re-reading that, it sounds like a line right out of a porn script! I could change it, but now I'm just messing with you because now you'll be thinking about porn - hee hee!). It hits me SO hard, that I fall over backwards. It was in my ears, and my mouth; my hair; my pockets; my boots. He got me GOOD. Now I'm pissed. And I mean REALLY pissed. I'm already not feeling well; have a sore toe; am stressed out and am hormonal (yes, folks, it's EXACTLY what you're thinking), and this has just iced my cake. That poor guy. I climbed onto the snow bank and lit into him. I don't know if he knows what hit him, but I gave him an earful. He actually had the balls to ask if I had fallen down (because I was covered in snow) - as if he didn't know what he'd done (and this isn't the first time I've been hit with the spray from the snowblower - they aim it DIRECTLY into my sidewalk). I don't know exactly what I said to him (the words just fell out of my face) - but I'm certain it wasn't very nice. It ended up with my saying something to the effect that if I ever saw him blowing snow at my house or me or my family EVER again, that I'd shove that snowblower and all the snow he'd ever blown straight up his ass. Yeah, making nice with the neighbours and all. He didn't even know what to say. In fact, once I started in on my verbal assault, he just stood and stared. When I was finished reaming him out, I walked into the house, got my stuff off and went to get some advil and a tea. He was STILL standing there trying to figure out what the hell happened.

I AM happy to say that he finished his job eventually, and every last drop of snow went in the OPPOSITE direction. Although it MIGHT have something to do with the signs I put in the window that read (in big RED letters) "Try it. I DARE you". Obviously he didn't. He doesn't look particularly clever (in fact this guy kind of creeps me out - almost as much as the recycling bin diving guy, but not quite), but obviously he is FAR smarter than I gave him credit for.

And why did this all happen? Because this 'mean' Mommy drove her little darlings to school. Something that they won't appreciate at all.

Edit: What have I just remembered?! I need to make a trip to the school to pick up the damn toboggan. I wonder what adventures THAT will create?