Online "friends".

I've been 'online' for a great many years. I have met some FANTASTIC women over the years (from baby due date boards stemming back from when I was pregnant with my children); women that I've grown to love and adore; women that I proudly and honestly call my friends. We've supported each other through some pretty difficult and dark times, as well as sharing in the joys of many happy and excititing events. AND . . . I've met some not-so-fantastic folk. AND . . . to take that even further, I've met people that downright concern me.

An online community is very similar to 'in real life' communities. You get a mixed bag of everything, except, online, you can 'block', 'ignore' or 'delete' people that you don't really care to hear from. Oh how I wish I had that feature for real life . . . you know, like a "life remote". I could pause, mute, fast forward, block or just 'delete' from my list (don't get me wrong, I don't wish anything bad to anyone, but there are certainly some folk I'd like to not have to deal with or face at all). I could just envision myself with that remote, smiling slyly as I point and happily press the 'ignore' button. Oh yes . . . life would be grand if that were possible.

One thing that I quickly learned about my online experiences is that one needs to realize that by posting with such a diverse 'variety' of people, you need to agree to disagree. And THAT is my mantra during on-line interactions. There are many 'hot button' topics and it brings out VASTLY different opinions, and while no one opinion is necessarily 'right', everyone feels that theirs is. Fair enough, but everyone needs to realize that everyone else is entitled to their own opinions, and leave it at that. And . . . that doesn't always happen. People get upset and walk away. Another thing I've learned? There are A LOT of screwed up people out there. Like REALLY fucked *right* up. I don't like to pass judgement, but man, I realize quickly that there are many, many, MANY people that are messed right up, yet feel they are perfectly stable. Who KNEW that *I* could be an example of normal or 'plain'. And honestly . . . I'm quite happy to fit into that mould.

Years ago, I was on a board with some folks that basically disengrated. I don't know the details of what exactly happened . . . and that's really irrelevant at this point, but, in the end, one woman sent out a flaming email to the members of this board stating HER opinion about many of the people on the said board. Some of it was completely disrespectful and ignorant; and some of it was hilarious and desperate; but honestly, considering the source, one couldn't take it at face value. While what was said about me personally was hilarious, I take it as her desperate plea to rain on the fact that *I* had a life and she didn't; I DID take offense at her derogatory comments to other members. While there may have been some truth to some of what she was saying, most of it was just cheap shots. This is a woman who had an opinion of the parenting, child cleaning, and money managing skills of another woman; yet judging by the pictures of her children and family that she posted, she perhaps needed to take a VERY long look in the mirror. I hate to pass judgement, but aside from perhaps being the poster picture for birth control (I know, I'm TERRIBLE) her and her family, well, *ahem* won't be winning ANY beauty contests. Some people are better than I and can lie through their teeth and say "nice pictures" when you KNOW they mean "HOLY SHIT!".

Anyway, I digress. After that email, I DID reply to her, and I admit, I wasn't very nice about it. I stooped to her level, and honestly, I don't regret one word of it. I meant it, she threw the first punch, and I finished it. I told her what my opinions were and left it at that. Whether she read it or not, I don't know (or care), but I CAN say that I used HER email as a valuable lesson for MY child (and I still have it to show my younger kids when they get older) about how not to act. I use it as an example of someone who is desperately unhappy with her own life and needs to bring others down as a way to bring some 'joy' to her life.

The reason I bring up this specific person is because recently, someone mentioned something about her on a board, asking what her 'deal' was. I don't interact with her at all; I just 'skip' over anything she has to say, and I blocked her on Facebook all together. In my little world, she basically doesn't exist. However, she pissed some people off the other day and she was mentioned. And holy shit, was she MENTIONED. By dozens and DOZEN'S of people. People who share similar (or worse) views of her than me. Honestly, I almost feel bad for her. She is SO unhappy in life, and it's so apparent to everyone else, except her. To the person it matters most about. So for that, I feel sorry for her; her husband; her kids; her acquaintances . . . I can't imagine what it's like to be her. Or to deal with her. How terribly sad is it that she can't even 'hide' behind her online anonymity?!

BUT . . . it's HER life and I'm not about to get involved.

Anyway, trying to get back on track here, online life provides a bit of anonymity. Anonymity is definitely good online, because honestly, you just don't know who you're dealing with (see the above paragraphs for one specific reason). Some people hide behind this anonymity. It makes them feel invincible. They make statements/comments just to rile others up. They state their opinions and ideas as if they ARE the law, or that their experiences ARE what set the bar for parenthood in general. They try to be someone they aren't. Although they THINK they're doing a good job at hiding their true colours, it still shines through. No matter how you look at it, an idiot IS an idiot, and bullshit IS bullshit.

When one asks for opinions, you are to expect to get some feedback that perhaps you didn't want to hear. We all have differing opinions; it's what makes the world go 'round. The reality is, as parents, or even 'humans' in general, we do what we feel is best based on our own experiences, our situation and our resources. Some people take this information and move on from it (even if it rubbed us the wrong way). Others walk away because they're offended; expecting everyone else to kiss their asses and beg them to return. Some folk remain in 'lurk mode' until something 'controversial' comes up and then suddenly pop-up just stir up shit. These people are easy to spot and are transparent, although I think they tend to think they're pretty good at hiding behind their avatars and words. BUT . . . they definitely are NOT.

Some of the stuff that online folk spew out is mind-boggling. Not sure what life is like in their 'corner' of the world, but some people think everyone else is pretty stupid. These people shovel out part truth, but mostly bullshit. Some is for the shock value, but most times it's just to get a rise out of others; a mere source of entertainment for them. Some people are just genuinely not bright and are honestly there for the educational aspect of it all. They may not be the brightest folk, but they genuinely want to provide the best they can for their kids and themselves. Some are there to ramrod their beliefs down other's throats and use this as their platform. Some are there to scam (and yes, there are ALWAYS those type of people . . . unfortunately I've seen much of this over the years). Some are there to whine and chew about how terrible life is for them (yet they make NO effort to better themselves). Most though, are there simply there for the comraderie and friendship.

Some people drop statements that just BEGS to be challenged, and when it is, they get pissed off and play the victim or 'woe is me' card. Some drop statements that are absolutely mind-numbing and concerning. I'm pretty open minded about stuff . . . and understand and sympathize/empathize with why people do some of the things they do. While I don't agree with them and often don't condone it (and I'd kick their asses if they did it to ME personally), I'm also open-minded enough to know that there is a driving force behind WHY they did it. Over the years I've learned what makes people turn on their marriages and drives them to cheating; I've learned why/how people turn to drinking or drugs; or how mental illness festers, explodes and rips a family apart. I've read about instances of what is clearly abuse, although the involved party is often in denial . . . but having some experience with mental and emotional abuse myself, I'm aware that people ARE oblivious to it, or are just plain scared of the reprecussions if they do anything about it. I've seen people lynched because of something that happened - something that is petty in the grand scheme of life. I've seen the basic courtesy and respect of others be completely tossed away by others injecting themselves in a situation where they don't belong. I've seen people support others simply because they're friends - even if that person is CLEARLY in the wrong. I've lived through some of my online friends marital breakdowns; their separation; their divorces; their reunions; their bankruptcies; their losses; their gains. I've supported online friends through serious illness (and even death) and stood by as they battled their own personal demons. I've stood by and offered support during difficult times; illness and death of their loved ones; and revelled in their happiness and glory.

Some of what I read leaves me reeling, and wondering if I should be trying to call authorities. Some of these people downright frighten me. My heart aches for the families (particularly the children and pets) in these situations. These are the people that I hope with ALL hope that they ARE spewing out bullshit because if it's real life, then shame on them; they don't deserve to have children, spouses, pets or anything. Some come across as 'bullies' to their kids; spouting off stuff that hints that they are mind-fucking their own kids - smothering them so much that they will never develop their own indentities or opinions; or by NEVER indulging anything to them; teaching them that EVERYTHING in life must be earned - that they aren't worthy of indulgence. Some talk about the fact that they won't treat their children's illnesses; nor will they take a pet to the vet that obviously needs attention. They bury their heads in the sand when a teacher or someone points out that their child might have problems. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. Never theirs. Some go out of their way to find 'trouble', some live for the tragedy and sadness where they live - it's almost as though it's what defines them. The online community truly is a mixed bag . . . many of them are likely people that I would steer WAY clear of in real life, but online, it's a bit different . . . our tolerance is a little better because we don't have 'look at' or face that person. Or actually listen to them. Not being able to hear their voices as they SAY these things sometimes makes it easier to 'tolerate' what they're saying. We stick around and 'deal' with the rif-raf simply because we value the others enough to do so. Some of them come across as though they are "perfect" parents; in fact MODEL parents (you know, the modern day Dr. Sears); when the reality is, they probably sit on their asses in a filthy homes barking orders at their spouses and screaming at their kids and pets, while they run rampant. The truth is . . . no one will ever know the truth. It's a fine line about where we draw our line on how much truth is actually out there.

It's truly hard to get what someone is really saying through typed words - particularly with the differences (or lack thereof) of grammar. Sarcasm is often lost, and one can't always 'read' into what they're reading because the feelings or emotions aren't always conveyed.

For me, my online interactions have provided some fantastic friendships that I cherish, and a support system of peers going through the same ages/stages that my own kids (and myself) are. They've been a fantastic sounding board for my fears and trials with my kids and their health issues; and are always a cheering squad when perhaps I'm feeling a little down on myself and the things that life has thrown at me. They're there to embrace me and offer an ear when I need it; high fives and happiness during exciting life experiences, and provide a humbling aspect to my life making me realize that although life throws me some curveballs, it can always be worse, and that I truly am blessed with what I have. Some of my interactions leave me feeling humoured; while others still leave me feeling a bit unsettled, but . . . at the end of the day, I keep going back. I weed through the shit to get to the genuine stuff, and truly, it IS worth it.

While the internet is a VERY scary place at times, it's also an opportunity for some wonderful things. I hope that most of friendships will carry on throughout life. I HAVE been truly blessed. Some 'blessings' I could do without, but honestly, the good ones far outweight the not-so-good ones, and besides, the not-so-good ones provide MUCH entertainment for me, and laughter and humour IS an important part of life, right?!