Parenting a Teenager who is Learning to Drive.

Being a parent is definitely not for the faint of heart. In fact, I think parenting requires a certain amount of crazy. Parenting a teenager requires copious amounts of alcohol and valium all at the same time a whole different kind of crazy. Parenting a teenaged GIRL?! You need a padded room, frontal lobotomy, and whole gambit of readily available drugs and booze to drown it all out. Oh, and ear plugs. For all aspects.

Suffice it to say, parenting is no easy gig. Except when the kids are sleeping - then it's pretty easy and manageable. Kinda-sorta.

When our babies are starting to move about and get into things, us parents hold our breath as they topple over, bang into thing, trip, and aquire various little boo-boo's and owies. We think to ourselves, "I look forward to when (s)he is a bit older and I don't have to worry about this stuff.", or "I can't wait until (s)he is older so I'm not constantly worrying."

I can assure you, YOU. CAN. WAIT.

The bigger the kid gets, the bigger the worries that come with them. Remember worrying about the edge of the coffee table as they learned to walk? Or freaking out at Your Other Half because he forgot to close the gate to the stairs and you caught baby halfway up them as he proudly waves to you, then loses his balance and topples back down? It's pretty insignificant when a few years later that same kid is riding his bike no-handed, or is using the railing of the steps (that are CONCRETE) at the park to practice skateboard tricks. Or they're jumping from the tree onto the trampoline. Or they're tobogganing from the ROOF of the house (that was me - although I'm not 100% sure that my parents know that we did this - but if they're reading this, I guess they do now. Just for the record, Mom, we DID have someone keeping watch at the bottom of the driveway so we weren't smoked by a car. Or the transit). Or they're going on their first outing to the movies without a chaperone. I can assure you that the public works department does NOT put bumpers along the curbs, roadways, or parks to 'soften' the fall when a kid falls - be it on a bike, rollerblades, scooter or whatever. SO, it's definitely a constant worry.

As parents, My Other Half and I definitely have had our fair share of concerns that go 'above and beyond' the average/normal parenting program. We're parenting a child with ADHD, impuluse control issues, and sensory issues; and just to add to the mix, we've got a child with a serious health issue. Needless to say, there has definitely been some stressful times in our lives relating to these issues. As an aside, a few weeks ago, I went for a meeting with my new doctor (FEMALE - AND she speaks english. Woohoo! That's the whole enchilada right there, folks!!). She asked all the usual questions about my history, how many pregnancies, how many live births, etc, etc. I told her that I had 3 children. A couple questions later, she asks if I consider myself to be under any stress. HELLO?! Are you freaking kidding me?! Did you not hear me say that I have 3 children? That 2 of them have "issues", and that one is a teenager?! That they all have me running ragged taking them to various activities, events and appointments each week? Do you not see the bags under my eyes and the freaking grey hair in my head? They were responsible for every single one of those!! For the record, "No" was my answer.

Anyway, back on topic. Parenting. The bigger the kids get, the bigger the problems get.

So, I've been at this gig for almost 17 years now. I've definitely had the motherlode my fair share of "HOLY SHIT", "WTF" and "OMG" moments. But let me tell you, nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to sitting in the passenger seat of a car with your teenaged child at the wheel. It is THAT moment that you officially bridge from the "HOLY SHIT" to the "HOLY FUCK" moment. There is nothing quite like the feeling of constant impending danger and a horrific, painful death by car accident. Or by heart attack. Either is HIGHLY likely knowing your life is now resting literally in the hands of your teenaged child. It is now that you pray to God that your kid likes you enough to keep you alive. As an adult, you take it for granted just how tough it is to drive, and how well adapted we become to it. Everything is second nature to us - the car almost an extension of our bodies as we scoot about here and there without giving anything any thought. However, when you're sitting in the passenger seat, with your kid sitting next you goofily grinning as they ride on a euphoric high, you are totally helpless, depending ENTIRELY on that teenager to return you home safely. And if you aren't in the know, teenagers KNOW everything, right? Well, that applies to the rules of driving too; they know it all, so trying to tell them anything is a complete waste of breath and makes you want to smash your head against the wall not easy. And distracted? They see every squirrel, raccoon, fancy sports car, and good looking guy on the road. They can easily identify someone having a bad hair day, and can point out every driver belting out tunes in their car. Good grief. If they would just focus on what they're doing that much, then driving with them wouldn't be so bad. She's saying, "Check out that lady in the ugly red shirt who desperately needs her roots done", while I'm saying, "Watch out for the pothole!!".

Back in the fall, when our darling teenager celebrated her 16th birthday, we took a day and went to the city (because our little padunk area doesn't have a drivers centre that allows for drivers and road tests, so we are required to drive all over the place to do this stuff because, you know, we have all the time in the world to take off work to deal with this crap) to write her G1 (learner's permit) test, because I'm freaking crazy like that a nice Mom. She got her G1, and before the ink on her newly acquired license had even dried, she bats those puppy dog eyes at me asked the inevitable question, "Can I drive home?" I didn't want her starting out on the busy streets of the city, so I drove the back way home and allowed her to take over once we were on the country roads. And what a ride that was. With sweaty hands, a barf bag full of vomit (not really, but I EASILY could have vomitted), a sore foot from my invisible brake, a massive tension headache, an asthma attack from gasping, a few more grey hairs, and the imminent need for heroine or crack cocaine a prescription for Xanax, we made it home. I've NEVER been so happy and relieved to fall out of a car as I was after that.

Fast forward to the current day. She has drivers ed under her belt (I am broke. Any idea how much that costs?!), much practice (I, many new grey hair), and is facing the possibility of obtaining her G2 - part 2 of the licensing system - next month (And I'm facing the possibility of heart attack or stroke). Like it isn't enough to worry about her behind the wheel while I risk neck and limb in the passenger seat, now I have to worry about the possibility of her driving ALONE. WITHOUT us. On the streets with other drivers, bikers, and pedestrians. Or even worse, with one of her friends in the car with her. She has all sorts of grand plans for when she gets this beloved G2. Plans that involve MY cars without ME in them. Plans that have her driving all over the place. She even recently has started referring to my fancy little (and new!) Honda Civic as "our" car, meaning her and I. Really?! Let's back up the bus here.

In my eyes, this is THE single biggest event we've had to face as parents. The other seems so trivial. Honestly - the sleepless nights of having a newborn or the temper tantrums of age 2, or the quest for independence as they creep through the tween years, or the first boyfriend, or the fact that you busted her for the first time for not being where she said she was going to be is NOTHING compared to knowing that your baby is about to embark on the road in a 2000lb potential weapon of mass destruction risking her own life and the lives of everyone in her path reach another HUGE step towards independence.

I'm sure some of you are asking, "But is she a good driver?" The simple answer to that is "sorta". She does really well, but then does something really stupid that potentially could have been an issue, and that's what freaks me out. She just needs more practice, and more trial and error. I don't feel scared for my life anymore, although I always wear a Depends undergarment when I'm about to sit in the passenger seat some anxiety sets in the second she puts the key in the ignition - but I think that's just a normal part of parenting a kid who is learning to drive. What concerns me the most is that just last fall she lost a friend in a car accident (single vehicle, and while no one seems to know the real reason, speculation waivers between texting and driving, or speed, or a combination of both), and then very recently she had a friend who was clocked at 120km/hr in an 80km/hr zone (even more concerning is that MY kid was in the car with this friend at the time). That's HUGE!! Then she says her friend is fighting the ticket, etc., etc., but really, how can you fight it? They were clocked at that speed...there's no denying the fact that's how fast they were going. The fact that they are discounting it, saying it isn't fair worries me. So she thinks speeding is OK? She thinks that taking a peek at her phone while driving is OK? In my mind, it's wrong, wrong, WRONG!! And that's what gets me worried, sprouts even more grey hair and causes sleepless nights for me. Therefore, her behind the wheel, on her own, is a MAJOR thing for us.

SO...as we race full speed through life with my kids achieving milestones and events at an alarming pace that terrifies me trudge through the phases and stages with our younger children, I grimace at the fact that in 6 years, and again in 7.5 years, I'll be faced with this same damn predicament. But maybe by then, I'll be well broken in, right? Or even better, maybe Teen will have her own vehicle and would take on the responsibility of teaching her siblings to drive. Now isn't THAT a thought. Yeah, I think not.

Can you pass me a bottle of rum and I can dull these thoughts at the bottom of my margarita maker? While thinking about my children's futures is bittersweet - it's exciting to think about where they'll end up in life I pray to God that jail doesn't involve any of them, but I have my concerns - just kidding - sort of and watching them develop into their own people, it IS hard to swallow that with each step they take in life, they're stepping away from their dependence on Mom and Dad, and making that journey towards true independence. While I'm confident that they'll always "need" Mom and Dad, the reality is, they will move on and make decisions all on their own, meaning that we have to stand back and hope to God that use the freaking head on their shoulders to make the right bloody decisions, or to at least be smart enough to hide what they've done trust that we gave them the tools needed to cope. For the time being, I am sitting back and trying to wrap my head around the fact that Teen will soon be taking off in the car on her own, and I'll have to sit back and trust that she'll be safe.

Man, that's A LOT of trust, isn't it?! I might need some heavy drugs and booze.