Boom-chicka-wow-wow

Before I delve right into the guts of this post, I'd like to point out that I am not a prude (well, not entirely so anyway) and that for the most part I like to think that I'm pretty open-minded and liberal (well, most of the time). I also need to put a disclaimer on this post . . . if YOU are a prude and don't like 'taboo' subjects, then PLEASE don't continue reading because you likely will be offended.

In all my boredom copious wheelings and dealings of the day, I decided to run some errands today. As I was about to turn into a parking lot on a green light, a group of 3 people came walking in front of me (against the light - and they are mighty lucky that I looked or else I'd have perhaps lost (or gained? I can't keep track of it works around here anymore) a HEAP of points on my license, or worse, perhaps got some blood on my newly detailed van (which on a side note . . . Banshee stepped in after a trip to the park and tracked SAND into it - GRRR!). What made this even more 'interesting' is that the 2 people at the back of the group were making out and walking. Admittedly . . . I was admiring their ability to fondle each other and kiss AND walk - all at the same time. Shit . . . I can hardly walk and chew gum at the same time; what that couple was doing? THAT my friends is pure talent. Talk about multi-tasking at it's best. Once they cleared out of the way I got my head back into the driving game and got back on task.

After parking the van and gathering up the stuff I needed to return (can I give you all a tip?! Don't shop for clothes for your kids when they're not with you - it causes MUCH aggravation for ALL parties involved), I notice these multi-tasking-maker-outters weaving through the parked cars. As they came closer to where I was, I noticed that the guy was shoving the girl up against the cars, and everytime he did that, she giggled and seemed to be turned on even more. The humourous part of all this is that I said there were THREE people in this group. The 'love-birds' and some other guy who occassionally would turn around and talk to them as though this sort of behaviour is perfectly normal to him. You know, because it's a completely socially acceptable thing for people to be walking around in public groping each other and licking each others tonsils. Yep - sure thing! For the most part, he was just the leader of the pack - wherever he walked, they followed.

I continued into the store. As I walked up an aisle, I notice the 'leader' walking past, and sure enough, Sleezy and Slutty followed close behind. I was *SO* close that I could their kissing and heavy breathing. Next thing you know, he grabs her and pulls her around the corner out of my sight. I quickly dash off in the opposite direction. When I rounded the corner. After some browsing I see this couple again. He's got her pinned against the shelves; her with her skirt hiked up (it was short to start with - I knew that she was panty-less as she crossed the road in front of me about 20mins earlier) and him doing things that no one else should have to see - well, unless you've paid for it and are in the privacy of your own home. He's definitely got more than just a 'pencil' in his pocket that she's groping; and I'm feeling as though I want to hurl. Or to punch someone. This was REALLY making me angry (and no, it's not because it's not me!). They are in a freakin' store in the middle of the day; a store that is mostly filled with elderly folk and young mothers with their kids. And that is SO not cool. Not. At. All. I walk right past them and say to them, "WOW! That's REALLY classy!". In the meantime, an employee (VERY young I might add - she was horrified and it probably took every ounce of guts she had to even speak up at all) is saying "not in the store please. Please take that somewhere else {I'm thinking to myself - you know, like at a grocery store or at McDonalds, just not HERE, K?}". They walk off - but a couple mins later I encounter Sleezy again. He's standing at a shelf holding on with 2 hands. Kind of like he's bracing it. He also had a 'funny' look on his face . . . like he was staring at something, but not really seeing it. I couldn't really 'place' that look. Then I realized that Slutty was nowhere to be seen (nor was the 'leader' for that matter ...but he's really irrelevant to all this - and in fact I never saw him again). I bent down and shoved a bunch of hanging clothes to the side so someone could hang something back on the rack (because I'm nice like that). Imagine my horror when I realized VERY quickly why Sleezy had that look on his face. Of course . . . silly me! It was *THAT* look. The look of male satisfaction. Yep - I found the girl (it was almost like a game of hide and seek - except one that I REALLY didn't want or need to be involved in). Slutty was underneath that rack of clothes giving her boyfriend (and I admit, I'm definitely making an assumption on that . . . but given what they were doing and their actions towards each other, I'm pretty certain they'd met a time or two before . . . Either that or they're REALLY friendly folk) a, uh, well . . . I don't really have any 'cutsie' or diplomatic ways of saying this, so I'll say it straightforward; she was blowing him (and I must take this opportunity and ask . . . why IS it called a "blow"job . . . I mean, to my knowledge one definitely doesn't 'blow' when they're doing this, do they? Maybe I'm misinformed . . . but . . . I have digressed). Anyway, she was perched UNDER the rack; he was facing towards it, bracing it with all his might and she was giving it to him. When busted, she crawls out from under the rack and 'straightens' herself around (and wiped her mouth - I can't get that visual out of my head - ICK!); and he quickly pulls himself together. The other person just kind of stood there in awe, and me? Well, I asked them if they'd mind moving out of the way so I could vomit and bleach my eyes. They hastily moved out of the way. I gathered my bearings together and moved along trying my best to suppress this memory. I mean, really, I didn't just witness THAT did I?! I suppose that I could give them the benefit of the doubt and that she was possibly on the floor looking for something she dropped (perhaps her mind? Because that would be a VERY logical thing for her to be looking for), but knowing what I witnessed leading up to this, and that look on his face, and the look on HER face when I found her . . . yeah, I don't think there was much clear vision on ANYONE'S part.

But alas, I see these 2 rejects again. He's sitting on a bench in the patio furniture department and she's parked directly on his lap. I won't go into details, but use your imagination and you can figure out what they were doing. For real. No bullshit here . . . ON the patio furniture in the store. Moral of this story? Never, EVER buy 'floor' models of patio furnture - ICK!!! I abandonned my cart at that point and just left. I decided that I didn't need to buy anything THAT badly. OYE!!

SO . . . like I said, I'm not a prude. I'm all about love and affection. But in APPROPRIATE places. Public Displays of Affection (PDA) aren't really my 'thing'. A quick parting/meeting kiss or a hug - rock on. A porn movie (and a BAD one at that - I mean - really?! If I'm going to watch this kind of stuff, give me a cast that is NICE to look at or something - not a bunch of low-life hill-rats) - Uh, EEEEEWWWWWWW!! I do have to give them this . . . I never did see any 'body' parts, nor were they loud and really attention grabbing once they got down to "serious" business. Unless one had seen the pre-amble to all this, you'd probably just think that these people were 'weird' and such. Honestly? If I hadn't actually seen the girl under the clothes rack, I wouldn't have ever figured out what they were up to (because again, I'd never DREAM that people would do that in public like that). Clearly they've done this sort of public presentation before. It was like an academy award winning performance in the category of "efficient, quiet and mostly well hidden", so YAY for them - they possibly only managed to offend a few people. Maybe they DO have some dignity. Actually - no, they don't, but it was a nice thought, wasn't it?

I can't decide if I should just be completely disgusted with these people, or perhaps admire their *ahem* balls (no pun intended). I mean seriously, who does that kind of stuff?! If I had to hazzard a guess, I'd say that they were high/stoned because - wow - that was some crazy stuff. I still hold to the fact that I was HIGHLY impressed with their multi-tasking abilities. Seriously - if they harnessed that multitasking ability in the workplace, they'd bring productivity to a whole new level. WOW. I could only wish to be that determined; confident; and capable. And nimble. And freakin' stupid and disrespectful. Ok, I'll stop there - I definitely don't want to be THAT stupid and disrespectful.

Anyway, although I am going to be scarred for life and will likely need years of counselling from the nightmares I am most certain to encounter from this, there was actually one good thing . . . I didn't spend a dime - AND - I lost my appetite and didn't bother to grab anything for lunch.

See? Silver lining. You sometimes have to look REALLY hard for the silver lining, but there usually is one; and I found it! YAY me!